Cartoon of philosopher Diogenes with lantern

So, what’s a cranky philosopher anyway?

I thought you’d ask. Sorry about not having answered that fair question right from the start. If you’ve been raised in a typical European tradition, you’ve most likely learnt about such a guy. I’m thinking of a typical European example, but I’m sure other traditions have their own similar examples. However, I’d rather not go there for fear of being condemned, in accordance with the latest fashion fad in cultural globalisation, of cultural appropriation.

Yes, it’s him, the famous ancient Greek philosopher Diogenes (about 404 – 323 BCE) – the one who lived in a barrel. He also used to walk around in broad daylight with a lit lantern. When questioned about this cranky habit, he is said to have responded that he is looking for a man. Some claim that he meant to be looking for an honest man, others claim that he meant to be looking for a human being. Considering that he was known to have lived as a beggar despite, or in support of, his fame as a philosopher: if you were a beggar, wouldn’t you too be looking for human beings? You take your pick about what Diogenes was looking for with his lantern.

It seems that we know very little about Diogenes, other than that he became famous as a philosopher already in his lifetime. He might nevertheless have been forgotten by now, had it not been for the legendary encounter between him in his barrel and Alexander The Great, Ruler of the World at that time. The Great was allegedly so enthusiastic about meeting this famous philosopher, that he kindly asked if there was anything he could do for Diogenes. Legend has it that Diogenes just as kindly responded: “Yes, thank you, Your Majesty, if you’ll kindly just move out of the sun for me”. (I mean, you wouldn’t want to get into the bad books of someone Great, would you? If you do, then you might want to contemplate the fate of the Grand Old Party of Great America ever since the year 1 TE). Legend has it that Diogenes’ second encounter with The Great didn’t go quite as well. Observing Diogenes poring over some human bones, The Great quizzed him about this. Now, philosophers can become quite cranky when disturbed in deep transcendental thought, and Diogenes was no exception. He responded, not so kindly: “I’m trying to see the difference between the bones of one of your ancestors and those of a slave, but I can’t find any!”

Whatever little we know about him, Diogenes seems to have been a ‘smart cookie’. Indeed, almost two-and-a-half thousand years ago, he seems to have divined the emergence of a specific modern fintech development. Yes, I’m referring to the debasement of currency by means of the recent development of blockhead currencies going by phantasmagorical names reminiscent of words such as ‘bitten coin’, ‘doggy coin’ (allegedly the favourite of Elon Musk of Tesla fame), ‘ether room’, and what-have-you. He was apparently raised as a banker, but then he ‘bit the coin’, debasing it in the process. Allegedly, there are still some coins among collectors with his ‘bite marks’ on them. He fell into disrepute, was sold as a slave, and after having been freed, he became a famous philosopher. In the process, he became a humble man of modest needs, which he was able to satisfy through begging and living in a barrel. Unfortunately, such a modest lifestyle has its disadvantages; such as, masturbating in public. Remember, this was at a time when staying in the closet was far more fashionable than coming out of it, and so he was severely scolded by his compatriots for this indiscrimination. It is said that he wistfully replied: “If only I could as easily satisfy my hunger by simply rubbing my belly”.

© The Cranky Philosopher 2021